I liked Bingo so much with Grandma I did not hesitate to say yes to a co-worker of mine who asked me if I wanted to accompany her to the local bingo game. My friend/co-worker is two years away from retirement and is a stitch. She had hip surgery and now I think she just carries her cane as a decoy to kick the shit out of someone if they try to mess with her.
I picked her up at her apartment after work and we headed to the Catholic school auditorium. Upon arrival we selected two seats from the sea of tables which happened to be one table away from the food counter. Not sure how long it would take us to get there we ended up being about 45 minutes early, even for the Early Birds! However within minutes of setting down our things we noticed that people were starting to gather outside of the food counter despite the metal gate that clearly conveyed the counter was not open yet. A few minutes after that it literally looked like the Southwest Airline’s gate fifteen minutes before boarding. People were jockeying for position while the line continued to grow and wrap. We decided to go buy our cards and wait for the food line to die down, even though no food was even being served. Fifteen dollars later we were ready for all the early birds, the regular bingo games, and the specials. (Listen to me now whipping off the lingo!)
Just as we got back to our seats the food counter opened. It was taco night which apparently was a very popular night at the Bingo hall. I noticed that the time to get food and have enough time to eat it was quickly passing us by so my friend and I took our positions in the helter skelter line. On our way up to the counter the people at the end of our table warned us it was ‘vicious up there’ as we walked by. I decided there was no need to feel intimated by these little grandmas. In my heels I was standing at a cool 6’0’’ and was one of the only people under 50 in the joint. If I could not take down grandma in a crunch what good was I? I tell you what once I got up there I had to maintain a wide stance since my friend is not much more than 5’0’’ and with a new hip was not doing too much boxing out. At one point she got cut off by what looked like a homeless lady who reeked of pee. Although I realized the lady was probably homeless she obviously could afford to play bingo and buy a taco and I was not going to stand for her cutting off my friend. I wormed my long arm around the homeless looking lady and pulled my friend to the front. I might look harmless in my green argyle sweater but I wanted it to be known I was not a pushover. We got our tacos and drinks and felt very bedraggled when we made our way back to our seats.
Bingo started and luck was not on our side. We were always a few numbers away but never close enough to yell out bingo. We were sitting across from one guy who was playing at least 20 paper cards and an electronic game. He was the only one close to us who won, but I would estimate he paid over fifty dollars for all of those games. During the break I congratulated him on his win and noticed that his dad, who was sitting next to him and was no less than 85 years old, was making eyes at me. Next thing I know he pursed his lips and gave off a kissing sound. I squinted my eyes and cocked my head to non-verbally ask if that really just happened. He said back to me, “Hey did you catch that?” I of course played dumb and said, “Umm what?” He said, “Well if you didn’t catch that one here’s another one. “ Again he pursed his lips and gave off a big kiss in my direction. People were now taking notice. I tried to do a low chuckle and said something like, oh yeah, thanks. By this time the son realized what his dad was doing and began to scold him for trying to pick up someone who was younger than his own daughter. The dad responded that it could never hurt to try. My face was crimson even though I know I should not have been embarrassed but I was and I had no idea what to say. What do you say when an 85 year old man blows a kiss in your direction and said it could not hurt to try to pick you up? I think the son was feeling kind of embarrassed too because he started to laugh and told his dad he was old but still a G. Yes a G. He then asked his dad how many girlfriends he had at the hall that night. The dad looked around thoughtfully and resolutely said six. Within moments a lady walked over to say hello to the dad and the son and planted a big old smooch on the dad’s lips! This guy was a G! I would have just been one in his harem of girls.
The bingo went on and thankfully no more kisses were blown in my direction. The only other real highlight of the night was when we stopped playing for money and started to play for 30+ lb. turkeys. These guys just kept hauling these humungous turkeys from a back room. Those things had to have been on steroids. Unfortunately for us though we did not even win a turkey. We left fifteen dollars poorer but resolute to give it a go another Friday night.
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