No Biggies

So I am having some serious writers block lately which is why you haven’t seen any new posts. Or rather, nothing of significant interest or funniness has happened. There have been a few instances where I thought, wtf, but not long enough to write an entire post about. For example, a couple weeks ago my husband and I were taking our dog and kid out for a walk. We have a HUGE hill that leads up to our street. To give the dog a workout my husband decided he was going to run leaving my daughter and I to fend for ourselves. Now to even walk with a stroller up this hill you have to bend your body at a 45 degree angle to the ground and hold your hands way out in front of you to get the best leverage. It is bad enough to have to carry your own body weight let alone push a stroller and a 20 lb. kid. So on our way up Mt. Everest we pass two girls trying to skateboard in their driveway. Upon seeing us the littler one says, “Oh look at the baby! What a cute baby!” I gave her a quick smile, which was a bit of a feat since I was breathing open mouthed. The taller of the two says to both the other girl and me, “Yeah my sister had a baby once and her boyfriend got mad.” Yeah. WTF right? Like having a baby is just something you do one day which makes your boyfriend mad. She said it with such casualness that she could have very easily replaced ‘had a baby’ with ‘kissed another dude.’ Whatev… I just kept on heaving my baby up the hill as she rubber necked back at the wanna be skateboarders. I would have stared too if it would have been socially acceptable.

Or then there was the time where I decided to try out this Pilates class since I did not really feel up to a full blown sweaty workout. I thought I would just go into the class, do a few stretches, a few downward dogs and call it good. As I entered the voice, that I swear could have done the in flight safety briefing videos, was telling everyone “engage the gluts, pull your belly button to your back, and elongate your torso to activate your core.” If I did not see that there was an instructor in front of the class speaking these words I would not have believed this quick speaking, monotone recorded voice was a real person! I got my yoga mat and big ball set up and before I knew it I was doing some satanic move of balancing on my butt, holding out a leg, sitting up, twisting, and laying back down. The lady next to me was moaning in agony and within seconds I was right there with her. Recorded voice instructor lady kept saying on repeat with every changed move “engage the gluts, pull your belly button to your back, and elongate your torso to activate your core.” Umm yeah lady I got it, my fucking core is activated, why else would I be moaning/breathing like I was in labor?

Or the time my daughter decided to scream for the entire 45 minutes on the way home from work. It was just the two of us in the car and I had a feeling it might go badly since my car was not equipped with the proper supplies…. No binkie, no sippy, no blankie. She was all happy go lucky until I sat her in her car seat and she quickly surveyed her surroundings. Seeing none of her usual amenities were included in that day’s ride she began her protests. The wails came first as blood curdling, then morphed into wails, then just a constant sob. As most moms can sympathize when you are in the car you are a prisoner, especially when you are stuck in stop and go rush hour traffic. There was no escaping the noise and without any supplies there was no appeasing her demands. It is funny how quickly I go to honk my horn at people who aren’t moving the two inches that they have in front of them. I mean COME ON PEOPLE MOVE!!! As an outsider looking in I thought I looked as frazzled as Kramer when the neon chicken sign was outside his window. At one point I cracked the windows to let some of the sound waves escape. The cars surrounding me who hadn’t noticed my kid was in full melt down mode were quickly tuning into the program. I am sure I didn’t look like the picture of sanity when I kept yelling back at her, “Get it together lady! I have nothing for you and we are still quite far from home!”

Early in the trip I tried to call my Mom on the hands free since I call her every night on the way home. Obviously the conversation was pointless given the fact that Old Yeller in the back was really giving her lungs a workout. My Mom’s voice screamed over the speakers, “I think you should stop somewhere and get her a binkie.” Now I do feel bad for snapping back to her so badly but hell I have been listening to my kid screaming for 20 minutes now and she doesn’t seem to be slowing down. I told my mom that there was no way in hell I was stopping to buy a fucking binkie. There was no store close and what was I going to do carry a hysterical kid into Walgreens while I calmly surveyed the binkie selection. Yeah, no. I hung up with my mom and cranked the radio trying her to get her to literally snap out of it. By the time we got to our subdivision her wails had turned into the whimper/sharp breath intake and her face was riddled with splotches. This is the stage you only get to when you have been crying for an extended period of time. I pulled into the garage and parked the car. I unbuckled her and lifted her out of the carseat. She instantly calmed down and by the time Daddy got home you would have thought nothing ever happened.