Well my husband left for a six day fishing trip with his buddies up in Minnesota. This leaves me alone with our version of Marley + 30 lbs. and the 11 month old kid. I was trying to think positive on how this week/weekend was going to unfold even though it is routine that the dog is super hyper after work since he has been in the basement all day and the daughter often crabby and hungry. Everything was going so well. I got everyone fed, we talked to Grandma on Skype, and made it into the bath. My daughter has this new thing where she likes to stand up in the bath. I constantly am telling her to sit on her bottom so she doesn't slip but the last couple days I have taken it to a new level since she did in fact slip and bonked her head on that silver round thing that I am really not sure what it is for at the end of the tub between the faucet and drain. Two nights ago I told her that if she stood up we would be all done and then gave the sign language for 'all done', since she does know what that means. The first night this was very effective. She got on her knees I told her we would be all done if she stood up which prompted her to sit back down. Last night...not so effective. She stood up immediately after I put her down and then she would arch her back and acting like a 2x4 so I couldn't sit her down again. After I finished washing her up I told her if she stood up one more time we were all done (double hand wave). She ignored this threat and stood up. I pulled the drain and she sat down. I plugged the drain back up and told her this was not a game. She stood up. I pulled the drain.. she sat down. I told her it was too late that she stood up and the bath was over. You would have thought I was brutally beating her as she screamed and thrashed her wet little body around. I hauled her into her room and laid her down on the towel all the while still trashing and screaming. I noticed that her butt had some serious diaper rash so I went to grab for the diaper rash cream that was for some reason not in it's normal spot. I instantly cussed out my husband for moving it to some undisclosed location when he put it on her last night. I was frantically looking around the room since she was sans diaper when she she made a break for it. She decided not to go to far and pulled herself up on the changing table to play with the wipe holder. I looked back down at her and noticed a stream of pee leaking out onto the floor. I screamed, grabbed the towel and strung it through her legs. She of course stunned by my screaming started to whimper and cry again. In my head of course I am anticipating my conversation with my husband where I was going to read him the riot act for hiding the diaper rash cream on me! I mean look at the outcome of his actions! PEE ON THE FLOOR!! At this point I decided it would be wise to put a diaper on her without the cream to avoid anymore pee/poop on the carpet.
As I was fastening the diaper I looked up to see the dog on our bed. He looked suspiciously calm and was smacking his lips together. I stood up, picked her up, and noticed there was something laying next to him. As I approached I could see that the duvet was covered with a white film. Then I laid my eyes on it... the tube of diaper rash cream with the end bitten off. Cream was everywhere! I was beyond fury and I think I scared my daughter as I was freaking out at the dog. I managed to grab his snout with one hand and scream into his face. If you knew the size of his melon you would know this is no small feat. It definitely wasn't healthy for her to see me exhibit such extreme anger but it was all just too much. I took her back to her room and applied some of the remaining cream all the while telling the dog to test me one more time and he would find himself on the curb with a FREE sign around his neck. I am sure the neighbors think that some crazy lady lives in this house since all of our windows were open.
We made our way back downstairs, mixed a bottle, and went back upstairs where she took down 8 oz. and promptly fell asleep. Upon returning back downstairs I was aware of the smell of gas. It seemed to be wafting in from the back slider. I went outside and checked the grill but it was not on. I decided it was probably nothing and headed down the basement to get my laundry and a gallon of Superman ice cream. When I hit the top of the stairs I was bowled over by the gas smell. It was definitely worse and I just could not ignore it. I grabbed the baby monitor and made my way over to Old Man River's house (our next door neighbor). He is 80+ years old and basically watches the neighborhood and calls the cops if anything is out of the ordinary. He came outside and called for his wife to follow. She did so and now we are all sniffing the air like blood hounds. He kept asking her if she smells anything and makes a comment that he was losing his senses. She looked and me in a conspiratorial way says "yes, ALL his senses"... he then looks at me and snickers, winks, and says, "yes, ALL my senses." UGGH! Gross! At this point I decide whatever, I know I smelled gas I am going to go call our gas company... this is getting too weird.. I mean all I wanted them to do was confirm my suspicions that there was a gas smell not tell me their sex life was going down hill!
I went inside to call the gas company and as I was dialing I noticed OMR (old man river) has start to congregate the neighbors and everyone is smelling the air! The gas guy said that if I didn't smell it in my house and it was just in the air that they wouldn't be able to detect it but if I smelled it in my house to give them a call back. Upon telling OMR my news he told me to document the time so if the house blew we could always say we called to report a problem at 9:10pm. Ummm, OMR.. if the house blows I won't be around to tell anyone I called them at 9:10pm. But whatever. I back inside and finish the night off with a bowl of Superman ice cream.
This morning I plugged her up at 5am and jumped out of bed at 5:40am when she started to fuss again thinking that if I didn't jump into the shower quick I may not be able to. She actually fell back asleep so I had time to basically get all ready. I headed downstairs to feed the dog and to make her bottle when I noticed a mound of something in the living room. Upon closer inspection I realized it was a huge pile of dog puke. I guess eating a tube of diaper rash cream will upset even an iron gut. I was however surprisingly calm and came to the conclusion that this week was going to be a real test of my patience. I let the dog out, scooped up the puke with a rag and threw the whole thing into the trash. I got down on my knees in my work clothes and began to scrub.
Sigh... and this was only day 1.
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